Vegtastic!

My formula for which team to root for in any given American professional sporting event is as follows:

1. A Bay Area sports team, as that is my native turf. In the rare, earthquake-inducing instance of two Bay Area sports team playing one another, the hierarchy is: Oakland for baseball, San Francisco for football. You’re not supposed to “switch sides,” but I prefer the American League (because that’s the league the Red Sox play in– see #3) and the Raiders are terrifying. This rule can be adjusted if a player on the formula-defined opposing team is especially cute. If no Bay Area sports teams are playing in a particular match, then:
2. A Seattle sports team. This is generally the losing choice for every non-soccer sport, but, if crappy sports are one of the few downsides to living somewhere awesome, so be it. If no Seattle sports teams are playing in a particular match, then:
3. Any team competing against any New England sports team because Boston fans are obnoxious. If a New England team is not playing in a particular match, then:
4. The team a friend is rooting for or a team whose win or loss will impact my life (i.e., the Big Boss is in a better mood when the Packers or Cubs win; therefore, I want these teams to win). If two friends are rooting for competing teams, judge based on #’s 5 and 6, or by which is the better friend. If the outcome does not affect my life or a friend’s’ life, then:
5. The team with the most aesthetically pleasing player. If all players are equally unattractive, then:
6. The team with the best uniform, colors, mascot, city, QB not being a probable rapist, or some other arbitrary qualification.

I obviously don’t give the proverbial damn about sports, and only watch major athletic events because they’re an excuse to get drunk during the day and nibble on unhealthy foods.

But, with the playoffs upon us (49ers!) and the Super Bowl approaching, I’ve been asking myself, “what can vegans eat while the omnis gnaw on pizza and wings?”

7 layer dip is my favorite for idle game time munching: it’s the ooey-gooey good parts of man’s most perfect food, the burrito, minus the carbs.

My mom always made 7 layer dip for pool parties and gatherings with friends when I was growing up. Hers had refried beans, diced tomatoes and white onions, store-bought guacamole, canned chopped black olives, sour cream, and cheddar cheese.

Back then, I used to eat around the guacamole layer — kids are so silly.

This vegan version has vegetarian refried beans, Tofutti non-hydrogenated Sour Supreme, and Wayfare’s We Can’t Say It’s Cheese Cheddar spread; you could sub out the Sour Supreme with cashew sour cream to make this soy-free, and if you can’t find Wayfare at the local veg-friendly store, well, I feel sorry for you. My recipe also calls for salsa instead of fresh tomatoes and onions, purely for ease.

It’s just as cool, creamy, flavorful, and decadent as what Mom used to make, and will turn your living room into a tailgate party in 5 minutes.

Easy vegan 7 layer dip

Ingredients:

• 1 (16 oz) can vegetarian refried beans
• 1 (4.25 oz) can chopped olives
• 8 oz (1/2 jar) salsa
• 2 avocados, mashed with garlic powder, lime or lemon juice, and salt (e.g., easy guac)
• 2 (8 oz) tubs Wayfare cheddar spread
• 1 (12 oz) tub vegan sour cream
• 1 bunch scallions, chopped

Instructions:

1. Layer ingredients in an 8-cup baking dish in the order listed above. Or, in another order of your choosing — layer order will not affect flavor. Hell, put it all in a blender and it will taste just about the same.

Serve with tortilla chips and a healthy dose of willpower, because you’re going to need it. And, seriously: don’t waste your time with Tostitos. Cabo Loco and Juanita’s are the only way to go.